Define You
by gemmi999
Summary: Kurt and his college roommate have a conversation about being gay, and shared experiences  or not-so-shared experiences .  Because Phil, Kurt's roommate? Doesn't think being gay should define you.  And Kurt doesn't know how to let it not.


**A/N:** This story is a mishmash of a bunch of different things. A lot of it is conversations I've had with people, and my own realization that being queer meant different things to different people; it's also part of a larger 'verse I'm writing, so in a way it's a teaser fic for something that will be coming (just not anytime soon). But most of all it's the combination of memories and childhood and college and life, all mixed together and stirred (not shaken). I hope you enjoy.

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><p>"How can you treat it so casually?" Kurt asks.<p>

"What? Being gay?" Phil shrugs. "It never seemed like a big deal."

Kurt looks at him with disbelief etched across his entire face. "What about high school? Didn't you get-"

Phil shakes his head. "Like, okay. I'm oblivious to a lot of things, just, they go over my head. So people might have said something but if they did I didn't hear it, you know?"

"No."

"Kurt-" Phil's voice is softer then before and his hand is almost stroking Kurt's arm. "I was lucky, okay? I ended up with a bunch of queer friends and we spent Friday nights running wild at Rocky Horror Picture Show and eating way too much fried food at Denny's and when we were bored we'd go to Hillcrest and camp it up. I came out to my parents when my friends were over watching Brian Kinney fuck Justin Taylor and my dad just asked if I had something to tell them and I said that I was probably at least bi, if not fully gay. And they shrugged and told me not to turn the volume up too loud."

Kurt blinks at that. "You came out while watching Queer as Folk?"

Phil blushes. "I didn't mean to come out, even."

"And you never got bullied." Kurt's looking at him in wonder at that thought, like he really never thought it'd be possible to get through high school without someone saying something. Ever.

"I mean, sure, people said stuff but I didn't hear. My friends just kept it back, just like I kept it back from them, you know?"

And Kurt nods, because yeah, that does make sense a little, having friends to watch your back and to protect you. Just: "what about in the locker room? Nobody said anything about you changing in there?"

Phil laughs at that, full on belly chuckle. "Dude, I had racquetball P.E. - I went to the gym and then out to breakfast with my friends every other morning."

"It sounds like heaven."

Phil looks at him and just shrugs. "Like I said, I got lucky."

"And then you ended up here." Kurt snorts. "You picked it because of how inclusive it was, right?"

Phil looks at his feet and shuffles a little bit. "Um,"

"Tell me you picked it because of how queer friendly the campus was. Tell me that please." Kurt's almost begging him and it's weird, a little.

"Look-" and Phil looks genuinely sorry. "I just kind of applied to all the UC's, but then went to the one that was closest to San Fransisco."

"Of course you did." Kurt laughs. "I spent my entire high school life looking for this, wanting this, and you stumble into it without even trying."

"Isn't that good, though?" Phil asks. "Don't you want kids to be able to find this kind of stuff without looking? Without having to try?"

And Kurt looks pensive for a minute, unsure of what to say. Because, yes, of course, he wants people to have accepting families and accepting high schools and accepting colleges; he wants them to not be scared. But he'd spent his entire childhood scared; a part of him thought everyone did.

"You're right." Kurt admits. "But can you understand why its hard for me to hear that?"

Phil nods. "It's not like there's a queer quotient, you know. Having a good childhood doesn't make someone more or less gay."

Kurt looks at him a little reproachfully. "I had a good childhood, Phil. I had a wonderful childhood. I just also had homophobic bullies in my school and an administration that did jack shit to stop it."

"And I lived in California, and got lucky. My friends and I were all friends before we came out, it was just luck and chance that brought us together."

"How many are still gay?" Kurt asks suddenly. "I mean, how many actually identify as gay or bi or, um, fuck, Queer, I guess?" He's still getting used to queer not being an automatic insult, but he's pretty sure he used it right. Positively, reclaiming it like he's heard people do since he moved in, since the orientation.

"Like, 3."

"And how many have decided that they aren't?"

"6." Phil pauses at this, thinks: "but one of them is bi and in a very long-term relationship with a guy, so I'm not sure how to count her."

"So really, you had amazing friends who were willing support you."

"And you did too," Phil points to the picture of New Directions that's sitting on top of Kurt's bookshelf. "They sound just as insane and crazy as my friends are."

"Yeah." Kurt smiles. "Did you really come out to your parents over Queer as Folk? Seriously? With Brian Kinney fucking Justin on the TV in front of you?"

"It was on the big screen downstairs, but I could totally hear the moans," Phil shrugs.

"And they let you have sleepovers and see Rocky?"

"I was the most unrebelious kid in the history of teenagerdom. I told them where I was going to be and when and didn't drink or do drugs. Instead I was playing virgin games in front of hundreds of people and going to Gay Prom."

Kurt's eyes kind of sparkled at that. "Gay prom? Really?"

"Shut up." Phil mutters. "We were bored and it just happened to be that night. Um, twice. I wore jeans."

"And regular prom?"

"Fuck that shit. We went to Disneyland and got hotel rooms."

"Your parents let you get hotel rooms?" Kurt asks.

"We slept like 6 to a room and instead of doing anything fun we went to Olive Garden for dinner."

Kurt laughs at that. Just laughs and laughs. "Olive garden? Really?"

Phil smiles at this. "Hey, just because I'm gay doesn't mean I have good taste," he jokes.

"Yeah," Kurt agrees quietly. "I can see that." The two sit quietly for a second before Kurt sighs. "Practice," he says with a shrug as he climbs out of his bed and reaches into the closet for his shoes.

Phil nods. "Yeah, have fun with that."

"It's-not as bad as I thought it would be, actually," Kurt says. "I thought I'd be trading one set of bullies for another but the coach has been pretty on top of calling the guys on their shit."

"It helps that you have a golden toe."

"I-" Kurt blinks. "I'm limber from dancing, yes, and am good at field goals-but I'm not sure I'd say I have a golden toe."

Phil laughs again, shaking his head. "That's what people call you, when they're talking about your stats."

"Yeah, well-" Kurt shifts a bit, looking uncomfortable.

"No, no-I get it." Phil says. "But don't you have practice? You're going to be late."

"Gaga!" Kurt says before bolting out of the room. Phil chuckles a bit before turning back to his computer. He can already tell it's going to be an interesting year; that Kurt is going to be an interesting roommate. He kind of, sort of, can't wait.


End file.
